Terminal

The aftermath from the annual  Brock Halloween  party wasn't too bad.  a messy house, a broken skull, but all in all it could be worse. 

deserve

Guilt and the issue of 'deserve'

I’m not contributing to society in any meaningful way. I can only hope that my commitment to live a better, more thoughtful lifestyle, to exhibit an excessive amount of kindness in everything I do, and to set a good example for my granddaughter will help me get over this feeling that I really don’t deserve such abundant blessings.

The feelings of guilt are so silly, honestly.  Not that we don't all have them -- I felt guilty that I am still here, Melissa is not.  I feel guilty that I am not doing more for her daughter in her absence.  Melissa felt guilty that she was leaving her daughter.  She also felt those feelings of guilt when she was doing well, and thinking that things were going her way.  I watch carefully the things I say because I am not dealing personally with the struggles of a diagnosis, and feel guilty that I am healthy when so many others are facing so much more.

I think what I saw through this terrible time with Melissa is that the very LAST thing she should feel was guilt.  Everyone here "deserves" as much as they can get to help get through these times.  There are always things to learn but it is funny that we still feel that there must be some outside reason.  Is there really a reason to be contributing to society?  Isn't what we all really want just simply happiness and comfort?  Until we reach that within ourselves are we really able to give to others?

'deserve' eludes to things being out of our control... Is that really true?    It is like I should be in trouble if I do bad, praised for good.  we get what we deserve...  right?  not really.  it seems pretty random to me.