My friend Julie was reminding me that we are at 6 months since Melissa slipped away. She said she had a day where she just lost it and cried all day. So odd – I woke up actually feeling really good this morning, had a great morning, felt energetic and happy (odd for the sleepy brock house) and then when I was driving to the office, mid – happy mood – tears started running down my face. like a broken faucet - not balling or sobbing, just leaking. Reasons? I could just be going (more) nuts. or I could just be consumed in memories right now.. the end of the holidays, trying to feel back to normal, the slowing of everything, my aunt dying? things I have packed away in my brain bubbling up? I don't know how you know, and some things are just more of a feeling but Melissa is heavy on my mind right now. I hope you are in peace, my sweet friend, because I know that even in death you aren't resting. I would do anything to know you are still with me.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Squinting in the sun..............
I see that my last post was last year in May - and that post was only the addition of the GRACE video call to action. Before that my posts were far away, things were good, normal, etc. I am not sure where my head was at that last post... in May I think things may have started to go downhill. It is pretty blurry...
I think I may try to start up this post again. I think so much about what I could say, how I can capture the things I don't want to forget, even through the sadness. I think sadness is somewhat of a warm blanket - I don't want to lose the fact that loss is a terrible thing. I don't want to fully move on from it. Every time I think about my lovely friend, I want to be sad that I don't have her anymore. It can't be consuming, but a measure of pain helps to show me just how important she was to me, my life, and my family and hers. She told another friend, when she could barely talk anymore "don't be sad", but I think that we should be sad. Death is a sad thing - and loss is a terribly hard blow. it is a testament to the impact she made on so many of us. I will keep this going, I will try.
I think I may try to start up this post again. I think so much about what I could say, how I can capture the things I don't want to forget, even through the sadness. I think sadness is somewhat of a warm blanket - I don't want to lose the fact that loss is a terrible thing. I don't want to fully move on from it. Every time I think about my lovely friend, I want to be sad that I don't have her anymore. It can't be consuming, but a measure of pain helps to show me just how important she was to me, my life, and my family and hers. She told another friend, when she could barely talk anymore "don't be sad", but I think that we should be sad. Death is a sad thing - and loss is a terribly hard blow. it is a testament to the impact she made on so many of us. I will keep this going, I will try.
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