I lost myself somewhere. Is it while I put myself away so I could put all my energy on being there for her? WaS itjust the ultimate in ignoring myself, and then when it was over I can't go back to other distractions? Nothing else distracts enough! Since the ultimate 'something else'.
there was a time when I was young that ... now wait - I have just completely forgotten what I was starting to write. wow. ok. Swiss cheese.
I don't really think that I lost myself in the time that Melissa was sick. she didn't make me who I am ... I think I am always looking. It seems like somewhere inside of me i know that there is a center... a place of comfort and knowing,,, a sense that I have finally reached 'the place'. I guess what I don't know is the path. Is it here? could it be here now, who I am now, or could it be outside of this world? I sometimes think that I couldn't have it better in many ways, usually when I am really thinking of myself and where I have ended up, internally. I know I have further to go but for the most part, it is all good. I think if we let ourselves enjoy, we will. but it is hard to get through the weeds...
I took gus to a communicator. part of me feels 'embarrassed?' to admit that I believe her and that she really communicated with him. that embarrassment is my shield, I guess. shields, justifications; everything is a way to keep us from truly letting go. How do we get there? and who is the we I am talking about. I should just talk about me.
Animals don't have the blocks that we put up, so it is easier to connect. that is what she said, anyway. honestly, while she was talking to him he lifted his head and stared at me like he was trying to talk to me. he has never stared at me like that. maybe I should take her workshop.
