Keep the false alive

I think there is a period of time, later, that you start fighting with yourself. I am starting to feel like I just can't do what I used to do, I don't have the energy. But I want to look like I used to. And I sort df do look like I used to. But I want to keep the falsity alive. Sure I am young... Just look at me. I am someone that other people want to be "when they get to be my Age".

mothers day

What I learned from my mother:

• always be embarrassed
• never speak your mind
• don't wear that
• never talk about family history and the embarrassing stuff that happened
• hold every thing in until you explode or cry

Mom is a wonderful gentle person who would do anything for anyone.  But that is one of the reasons that she did not get involved or close to people.  She couldn't not be helpful of do things for them if she knew them.  however she always complained about being helpful and about those who she helped.  She talked about the person who was seeking her help or confidence, and not nicely.  she acted as though it was an affront, a complete horrible thing that she knew these terrible secrets.  It also bolstered the need for her to show how perfect we were by comparing us and her family to them - their terrible secrets vs. look at our ideal life.  

Meanwhile, the boy bullied the girl.  The girl grew inward.  the boy was a jackass, the girl became a bitch.  the dad buried himself in work. the mom grew large and stagnant.  and no one got deep anywhere.  The jackass found religion and decided there was no reason for him to apologize for anything because god accepted him.  

And life goes on.  until we are smack in the middle of it and we start wondering what all this led up to.