Parents

My parents are still alive.  I live not far from them, and see them quite frequently.  My dad is 85 and I have seen him age a lot in the past 5 years or so.  My mom is 74 and still doing fairly well.  I have often thought about the 'what if', and I know it would be very hard.  I also believe that my brother would not be here for me or share in or understand my sadness.  When my best friend died I heard nothing from him.  It amazes me sometimes the closeness that exists between my husband and his brother.

That being said - I know he loves our parents.  I also know that my parents had somewhat traumatic lives (as many did in that era, I believe.  An era of 'don't talk about it' and hiding 'embarrassments') growing up and in the light of this, they have done pretty darn good. but not perfect, and wrapped in 'can't's, and shouldn'ts. They had to take a generation to clean up the mess from the past - of course - there are other ways to do it. like talking about it and letting it go, but that is the hard scary way. better to have kids to carry on and do the growth for you. you have a 50% chance with two kids as my family has shown, at least I think. Unfortunately, if it is a numbers game, even though I get the winning brain, I only had one kid so my brother's 3 kids with the screwy religious upbringing trumps my one extra special kid. But I think she will go on to be happy and smart. That is my plan. Smart meaning using that exceptional brain of hers to do good and spread good.

 But those parents of mine, I need to be a mindreader. they never really have shown themselves to be loving parents in the way that I hope I am with my daughter.  I see Laya and the amazing people surrounding her and holding her up in all this trauma, and I think how lucky she is.  I can only hope that going forward I have broken the spell of old, and our family can grow and love and give the way a family should.  I hope Maddy has lots of kids, and she is able to love them fully without questioning herself the way I have, silently.   

... 'will they be sad like this for me?' and 'will they do this for me" - what a musing.  to not know is hard - I would feel the same way about my brother.  I don't want to judge or make guesses about other family relationship,  I love him because he is my brother.  But I am not so confident that he would say that about me.   Iknow he is aware that I am his sister...  but I don't think he thinks about me much.